Hard Nice

You ever wake up, get ready for the day, stare aggressively at yourself in the mirror, and say, “I’m gonna be a fucking asshole today!”

Sadly enough, I can truthfully say that I have. I can account for numerous occasions, On purpose, and on accident. With a cause, as without, offensively, and defensively. And however I chose to behave asinine that day.

Sometimes… I still do…

I do it, reason being, I don’t care.

My first initial emotion, out of illogic is usually tossed off to the side when I do this. Only from my secondary emotion, is where I contentiously loose my logic, in my feelings, I turn my feelings in to complex reactions, and then I react as such. Following the primary emotion of course. (Assuming I’m not a butthole everyday for no reason.)

The secondary emotion most likely being frustrated, or even coldness.

Hardly, have I ever, produce these types of contentiousness days of assholyness. But when I do, I will usually reflect on how badly I acted, out of anger.

Sucks to be me when I do take a look at the bigger picture. And realize, that the only way to quit doing this, is to practice.

You ever pretend, not be such an ass?

I have too!!

Its hard being nice…

But its even harder, being an asshole!

So far… In my attempts in striving to be a better version of myself. I practice being understanding everyday. With belief in finding how this version of contentiousness, leads me to a better place in my way of controlling my feelings. Moreover, I stabilize myself to become emotionally independent, without withholding emotion, as well as, learning to develop solid boundaries for showing my emotions. To the extent of extreme intelligence, of all my emotions. I have become aware of many ethical tendencies, I should be accustomed too, Or even thought I already was. Its hard work not being a butthole!

I have 4 people that I have came to out of my guilt, and apologized to them for treating them badly.

This took TIME and motivational emotional effort on my behalf.

For the most part it was me behaving stubbornly, OR I just didn’t care.

Damnit all to hell, I don’t even know how it came to be developed in my brain, or tapped on my shoulder as a reminder by someone else, to how I came to an understanding that I didn’t want to be an asshole to these people anymore.

I went to each person I had embarrassed myself in front of. And I had given them their own separate apologies for being rude to them. The faces they made when I showed my condolences to them, were by far some of the best emotional reactions that I would never forget. Out of joy, I brought happiness in to our newly shaped and formed relationship. A couple of those people that I thought with all my heart, would never hug me.

Hugged me.

Shook my hand even.

How gratified I feel in knowing I could become emotionally aware for others. For understanding the way I reacted purposely, was intentionally out of line. And for correcting my conduct over time! May you have the strength and courage to be as mindful as I practice to be everyday!

Jessika. Is a nutshell.

My narcissistic dispositions couldn’t take me over, only if I’d let it. My bipolar manic-depressive illness, could control me, at best, if I granted it. My depression might consume me, soley if I enabled it. My anxiety probably could affect my attitude, unless I wanted it too. My Attention deficit slash Hyper activity disorder, can have a hold on me, but not until I command it to. I’m giggling right now… Because I’ve never been clinically diagnosed with these phycological disorders. But I swear to fucking crazy.. that, if I do go to a psychologist, and they tell me that I am, I’d probably implode. Only because!.. I knew it! I…. knew it!😂 Yes! I’m crazy. I’ll take onus to that. There’s nothing that can take it away, subside it, or cover it up. Because it is present, all at once, most of them, even at the same time. I totally web M.D’ed all these mental disorders, I learned of them. I identified my complaints, based on signs I could identify with. These symptoms, in association with situations, peoples, family members, and myself in my brain. Its hard to accept, and extremely embarrassing to own. I could probably most likely have all these mental issues, and more. I don’t know too much about the days that I have conquered. I do believe that some days I do, and some days, I don’t want to be a good person. The days that are good, I know I am GOOD, because I find myself congratulating myself of the hard work I did that day. If I have bad days, I choose it. I know that I do. I kick myself in the butt on those bad days hard. Everything after that, follows my attitude. I choose to control my emotions, because I know that there are other people, that might not be as comfortable as I am, with my mental issues. I’d rather put myself aside if needed. But, I always come back to me, when I need to. Boundaries and routine, is one of the many things that give me structure. No matter what we’ve been through, I hope that we can keep our heart guts. I wish we heal fast, and obtain more heart, when we come out from our troubles. I know I do.

Moving with the negative and its rewards.

By: Jessika Campania

Negativity. Its such an uncomfortable word to understand. To literally be in the negative, can be quite difficult as well. To remain idle in the negative, can seem like the time spent in it, was for nothing. Only because it was for nothing. Usually when people get the opportunity to be challenged with difficulties, we react as if we are headed to war emotionally. We put up a field of protection for ourselves, in hopes that we could obtain some kind of peace, while being in the negative. We get offended with words, that were made for our movement, and before you know it, we absorb these words inadvertently the wrong way, paving the path for our ultimate emotional destruction. Unknowingly withholding ourselves from the insightful gain in these words. We sabotage ourselves. A few examples could be your spouse nagging you for the hundredth time that you’re not romantic. It could be your Mom questioning why you don’t think before you act. Or even your best friend telling you that you couldn’t understand how she felt. These are all communicative words linking towards the negative, striving to carry us to the positive, without the intentions to ever hurt our ego, but to push us in to physical action, to fix a problem that we have as individuals. A problem that the other person might have with us, as them being an individual as well. Its personal, Kinda like steps towards your path of enlightenment. Its an answer to be honest. Not a clue, or a hint. An answer! from a very good place in the heart, given by another person and their brave perspective. To help them, help you, for the betterment of the peace, that is in desperate need of our attention, for progress. Usually being a person you trust, and love. These people know who you are, they are loved ones that wouldn’t let you down in any methodical way. Analytical to the point where it hurts so much, we couldn’t even think to critic ourselves honestly. Being in that negative moment, we are baffled to believe that our alliance could even go against us. So off we go! to an emotional war, offended, and idle, the solitary soldier in confinement of our own egotistical brains. Where did our logic go to? Why did these words hurt us so bad? Was it pride? Or was it Ignorance? To move in the negative takes time. It takes time, because of how we choose to absorb it. Also how we could utilize it for our benefit, if we choose to do so. Find logic in our emotion, seek the root of the problem, critiquing ourselves honestly, understand what mistakes we need to fix, being consistent in keeping fixed mistakes fixed. Use empathy in our reasoning. Try to understand where the other person is coming from. Above all, embrace the negative and the peace that it can bring. For it is just a place that we all must be in from time to time. How will you react in the negative the next time it comes around?

A candid moment with a very good friend.

When your hopes and fears are used against you, by someone we’ve trusted. By: Jessika Campania

It’s happened to all of us. At one point in time, we’ve all talked about our hopes and fears with someone we’ve trusted. We gave the trusted person, important information that could destroy us almost immediately. In hopes that they would be against using it as a means of destroying us. Naturally as human beings we retort, for protection, out of anger, and fear. Angry because of the trust that has been broken. Fear because of the susceptibility of attack, physically or emotionally. This disappointment is one of my worst fears. Unfortunately it’s happened to me more than once. What a pain it is to endure both during, and even long after it has been done. I can give a bit of advice thru all this. It is to keep having heart, learn to forgive. First off, you MUST forgive yourself, before you could possibly forgive someone else. Doesn’t that just sound so easy? Because its YOU, forgiving YOURSELF. Why wouldn’t it be? Right?? 😂 Noooope. Quite the opposite, in fact. I know I used to karate chop myself up for putting myself in a position to be vulnerable. “Stupid girl!” I’d say to myself. Reaming myself over and over again. How could I trust that person again? Being the ‘one and done’ type of person that I have shaped myself to be. With my sinning intentions that I might still be cordial with the opposing individual, without being susceptible to being attacked. My fucked up self would be honest, and say “nah brah I’m so good on alladat shit.” Just for my protection. Walls go up, and you’d never know a single hope or fear of mine ever again. That right there isn’t my fault. My fault in all of this was trusting that person. Thinking without anger or fear, helps me have clarity in my decision making. Logical thinking protects me, and the person that i am dealing with. Without persuading the situation to become malicious. This is where I bend as an individual to make room for change. I have to become quiet. That is my rule. This is how I stay natural. Being quiet, is something that I’m not accustomed to. I am fast at making a quip, and a genius in being stupendously chaotic. You ever pull wings off a fly? Yeah that’s me. Somehow I just knew that flying off the handles, provided beneficial fuel for the opposing individual, that their cruel intentions was working. They had control of my hopes and fears, even my feelings. So bam! I quit rushing in to my fear and anger feelings. In that moment, I found staying in my neutrality, granted me all the powers to control this situation. Out of reaction, they waited for me, to release the animal in me. But the animal in me never arrived. Instead, my retained animalistic tendency, reverted on them, triple the amount of anger than they originally had. It was working in my accord! I bent, and evaded emotional torment that they bestowed on me, and made it their problem. Time, consistency, and kindness, would be crucial for the changes ahead. Maybe one day, I will learn to trust them again. Until then, they would have to show me in action, that they could be deserving of my trust once more.