Hard Nice

You ever wake up, get ready for the day, stare aggressively at yourself in the mirror, and say, “I’m gonna be a fucking asshole today!”

Sadly enough, I can truthfully say that I have. I can account for numerous occasions, On purpose, and on accident. With a cause, as without, offensively, and defensively. And however I chose to behave asinine that day.

Sometimes… I still do…

I do it, reason being, I don’t care.

My first initial emotion, out of illogic is usually tossed off to the side when I do this. Only from my secondary emotion, is where I contentiously loose my logic, in my feelings, I turn my feelings in to complex reactions, and then I react as such. Following the primary emotion of course. (Assuming I’m not a butthole everyday for no reason.)

The secondary emotion most likely being frustrated, or even coldness.

Hardly, have I ever, produce these types of contentiousness days of assholyness. But when I do, I will usually reflect on how badly I acted, out of anger.

Sucks to be me when I do take a look at the bigger picture. And realize, that the only way to quit doing this, is to practice.

You ever pretend, not be such an ass?

I have too!!

Its hard being nice…

But its even harder, being an asshole!

So far… In my attempts in striving to be a better version of myself. I practice being understanding everyday. With belief in finding how this version of contentiousness, leads me to a better place in my way of controlling my feelings. Moreover, I stabilize myself to become emotionally independent, without withholding emotion, as well as, learning to develop solid boundaries for showing my emotions. To the extent of extreme intelligence, of all my emotions. I have become aware of many ethical tendencies, I should be accustomed too, Or even thought I already was. Its hard work not being a butthole!

I have 4 people that I have came to out of my guilt, and apologized to them for treating them badly.

This took TIME and motivational emotional effort on my behalf.

For the most part it was me behaving stubbornly, OR I just didn’t care.

Damnit all to hell, I don’t even know how it came to be developed in my brain, or tapped on my shoulder as a reminder by someone else, to how I came to an understanding that I didn’t want to be an asshole to these people anymore.

I went to each person I had embarrassed myself in front of. And I had given them their own separate apologies for being rude to them. The faces they made when I showed my condolences to them, were by far some of the best emotional reactions that I would never forget. Out of joy, I brought happiness in to our newly shaped and formed relationship. A couple of those people that I thought with all my heart, would never hug me.

Hugged me.

Shook my hand even.

How gratified I feel in knowing I could become emotionally aware for others. For understanding the way I reacted purposely, was intentionally out of line. And for correcting my conduct over time! May you have the strength and courage to be as mindful as I practice to be everyday!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s